Month: January 2025

  • Twin Peaks on the BBC

    Twin Peaks on the BBC

    David Lynch, as you will now be aware, has passed. By way of a slightly odd attempt at a tribute, here’s all the Radio Times listings involving Lynch’s best-known creation (arguably) across both BBC television and radio that I could find from around the original broadcasts, harvested from BBC Genome.

    As well as the actual original showings of the show itself, I’ve also included some additional current affairs / arts type things which ran features on it. And as usual, I’ve attempted to correct what appear to be scanning and formatting errors.

    All first showings of Season 1 were on a Tuesday on BBC2, at the regular time of 9pm. The same episode would be repeated the following Saturday at varying times – usually between 10 to midnight.

    The second season’s initial broadcasts also began at 9pm on BBC2 with the established Saturday repeats, but as time went on things started to slide a bit, mirroring the dip in interest once Lynch temporarily left to film Wild At Heart. Premiere and repeat slots get switched around, change days and eventually repeats are skipped altogether… until Lynch returned, and we got that final cliffhanger.

    We begin with one of those aforementioned arts programmes:

    Behind the Screen
    Mon 22nd Oct 1990, 14:50 on BBC Two England

    Twin Peaks, a new series directed by David Lynch, begins tomorrow at 9.00pm on BBC2. Behind the Screen previews this gripping story of a murder hunt in small town America. Producer Catherine Elliott-Kemp

    Twin Peaks: 1
    [The above is how it was listed to begin with – the rest drop the episode numbers from the titles]
    Tue 23rd Oct 1990, 21:00 on BBC Two England

    The feature-length opening episode of David Lynch and Mark Frost’s acclaimed television series. An offbeat murder-mystery drama about a small town where anyone would want to be.
    Starring Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean
    “She’s dead. Wrapped in plastic.” The body of Laura Palmer, a beautiful teenage girl, is found by the shoreline in the small lumber town of Twin Peaks, shattering the tranquillity and revealing a host of dark and twisted secrets involving drugs, illicit love, Norwegian property developers, Douglas firs and cherry pie.

    COVER STORY: page 5
    BARRY NORMAN: page 37
    CEEFAX SUBTITLES

    Kaleidoscope
    Wed 24th Oct 1990, 16:30 on BBC Radio 4 FM

    Robert Dawson-Scott is at this week’s new films, including the tough picture of American life Goodfellas, and watches David Lynch’s Twin Peaks on BBC1.
    Producer Tessa Watt
    Stereo

    Third Opinion
    Sat 27th Oct 1990, 17:45 on BBC Radio 3

    with Christopher Cook.
    Reviews: Scorsese’s film GoodFellas. John Updike completes the Rabbit quartet. David Lynch’s soap send-up Twin Peaks. Opinions: Waldemar Januszczak, Joan Smith. Features: The Dickens industry: biography and adaptation. Translation for the stage.

    Producers John Boundy, Tim Dee

    Twin Peaks
    Sat 27th Oct 1990, 22:25 on BBC Two England

    A second chance to see the feature-length opening episode of David Lynch and Mark Frost’s acclaimed television series.
    Starring Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean
    The body of teenager Laura Palmer is found by the shoreline in the small lumber town of Twin Peaks.

    ● CEEFAX SUBTITLES

    Twin Peaks
    Tue 30th Oct 1990, 21:00 on BBC Two England

    The mystery continues in the second part of David Lynch’s offbeat drama about a small town where anyone would want to be. Starring Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean
    Further probing into Laura Palmer ‘s murder brings indications of a sordid secret life – but who really knows the truth? Meanwhile, Agent Cooper senses young love in the air, learns about where the fish swim in Twin Peaks and is chastised for doubting the integrity of the local timber.

    Written by Mark Frost and David Lynch
    ● CEEFAX SUBTITLES

    Twin Peaks
    Sat 3rd Nov 1990, 22:25 on BBC Two England

    Another opportunity to keep up with events in David Lynch’s offbeat American town.
    Starring Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean
    2: Further probing into Laura Palmer ‘s murder brings indications of a sordid secret life – but who really knows the truth?

    ● CEEFAX SUBTITLES

    Twin Peaks
    Tue 6th Nov 1990, 21:00 on BBC Two England

    The mystery continues.
    Starring Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean
    3: Duplicate account ledgers, shady dealings in the woods, a house of ill-repute, a one-armed man and a grief-stricken father jitterbugging into madness. For Agent Cooper, perhaps it’s time to resort to the Tibetan Stone-Throwing Deductive Technique – and dreams.

    Written by Mark Frost and David Lynch
    Director David Lynch
    ● CEEFAX SUBTITLES

    Twin Peaks
    Sat 10th Nov 1990, 22:40 on BBC Two England

    Another chance to keep up with events in David Lynch’s off-beat American town.
    Starring Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean
    3: Duplicate account ledgers, shady dealings in the woods, a house of ill-repute, a one-armed man and a grief-stricken father… so many secrets baffling Agent Cooper.

    ● CEEFAX SUBTITLES

    Twin Peaks
    Tue 13th Nov 1990, 21:00 on BBC Two England

    The mystery continues in David Lynch’s soap noir.
    Starring Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean

    4: As the funeral of Laura Palmer turns into a fiasco, Cooper is given a scent of the dead girl’s double life by Audrey Home and learns of the evil lurking in the woods.
    Meanwhile, Josie gets nervous, Norma gets bad news from the State prison and Shelly gets a gun.

    Agent Dale Cooper… Kyle MacLachlan
    ● CEEFAX SUBTITLES

    Twin Peaks
    Sat 17th Nov 1990, 22:40 on BBC Two England

    Another opportunity to see last week’s episode of David Lynch and Mark Frost’s acclaimed television series. Starring
    Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean
    4: As the funeral of Laura Palmer turns into a fiasco, Cooper is given a hint of the dead girl’s double life by Audrey Home and learns of the evil lurking in the woods.
    Meanwhile, Josie gets nervous, Norma gets bad news from the State prison, and Shelly gets a gun.

    ● CEEFAX SUBTITLES

    Twin Peaks
    Tue 20th Nov 1990, 21:00 on BBC Two England

    The mystery continues in David Lynch’s offbeat drama about a small town where anyone would want to be.
    Starring Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean
    5: The psychiatric branch of medicine fails to throw light on Laura Palmer ‘s secrets, but the trail of the one-armed man leads to a feathered friend and a vital clue. Meanwhile, James Hurley is stunned by a familiar face, Cooper finds out that he isn’t the only visionary in town and Audrey Home decides to follow the sweet smell of excess.

    ● CEEFAX SUBTITLES

    Twin Peaks
    Sat 24th Nov 1990, 23:30 on BBC Two England

    Another opportunity to keep up with events in David Lynch’s offbeat American town. Starring Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean
    5: The psychiatric branch of medicine fails to throw light on Laura Palmer’s secrets, but the trail of the one-armed man leads to a feathered friend and a vital clue.

    ● CEEFAX SUBTITLES

    Twin Peaks
    Tue 27th Nov 1990, 21:00 on BBC Two England

    The mystery continues in David Lynch’s small-town soap noir. Starring Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean
    6: ‘Three men, two girls… the dark was pressing in… screams…” An unlikely informant brings Cooper and Truman to a cabin in the woods and another clue. As Norma waits for her husband to turn up, Bobby Briggs breaks down, Josie sits in the dark and Audrey goes to work for her special agent.

    Agent Dale Cooper… Kyle MacLachlan
    Written by Mark Frost

    ● CEEFAX SUBTITLES

    Twin Peaks
    Sat 1st Dec 1990, 23:45 on BBC Two England

    Another opportunity to keep up with events in David Lynch’s offbeat American town. Starring Kyle Maclachlan, Michael Ontkean
    6: An unlikely informant brings Cooper and Truman to a cabin in the woods and another clue. As Norma waits for her husband to turn up, Bobby Briggs breaks down, Josie sits in the dark and Audrey goes to work for her special agent.

    ● CEEFAX SUBTITLES

    Twin Peaks
    Tue 4th Dec 1990, 21:00 on BBC Two England

    The mystery continues in David Lynch ‘s soap noir. Starring
    Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean
    7: For one resident of Twin Peaks, Laura Palmer is brought shockingly back to life, but a talkative witness to her murder is destined to leave blood on the doughnuts. Meanwhile, Cooper goes undercover at One-Eyed Jacks, Audrey gets tongue-tied and Nadine Hurley sees her dreams of riches shattered.

    ● CEEFAX SUBTITLES

    Twin Peaks
    Sat 8th Dec 1990, 21:30 on BBC Two England

    Another chance to see last week’s episode of David Lynch ‘s soap noir. Starring Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean
    7: For one resident Laura Palmer is brought shockingly back to life, but a witness to her murder leaves blood on the doughnuts.

    ● CEEFAX SUBTITLES

    [And now, a month later, comes the second season…]

    Twin Peaks
    Tue 8th Jan 1991, 21:00 on BBC Two England

    The second season’s feature-length opening episode returns to the small town seething with secrets. Starring Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean
    Is that a corpse on the floor in the Great Northern Hotel and has the investigation into Laura Palmer ‘s murder met a premature end? As the local hospital fills up with the victims of an eventful night, other residents of Twin Peaks adopt strange changes in style, a giant dispenses wisdom, and someone sees the face of ‘Bob’.
    Written by Mark Frost Director David Lynch

    ● PICTURE STORY: page 73
    ● CEEFAX SUBTITLES

    Twin Peaks
    Sat 12th Jan 1991, 22:45 on BBC Two England

    Another opportunity to see last week’s feature-length opening episode of events in David Lynch’s off-beat town. Starring Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean
    Has the investigation into Laura Palmer ‘s murder met a premature end? After an eventful night, residents of Twin Peaks adopt strange changes in style.

    ● CEEFAX SUBTITLES

    Twin Peaks
    Tue 15th Jan 1991, 21:00 on BBC Two England

    David Lynch’s soap noir continues starring
    Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean
    One-Eyed Jacks becomes a dangerous place for Audrey.

    ● CEEFAX SUBTITLES

    Twin Peaks
    Sat 19th Jan 1991, 22:55 on BBC Two England

    Another opportunity to keep up with events in director David Lynch’s offbeat American town.
    Starring Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean

    The face of ‘Bob’ appears in more nightmares and, while Cooper ponders on increasingly cryptic clues, three friends begin singing out of tune. Two brothers scheme to capitalise on recent events, and One-Eyed Jacks becomes a dangerous place for Audrey.

    (Ceefax subtitles)

    Twin Peaks
    Tue 22nd Jan 1991, 21:00 on BBC Two England

    David Lynch ‘s soap noir continues. Starring Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean
    Donna meets someone with strange insights, and Cooper has trouble with a vengeful brother. Meanwhile, Lucy gets mad, and Leland pays the price of getting even. page 39)

    ● CEEFAX SUBTITLES

    Twin Peaks
    Tue 5th Feb 1991, 21:00 on BBC Two England

    David Lynch’s offbeat drama about a small American town. Starring Kyle MacLachlan Michael Ontkean
    A mission to rescue Audrey and a plan to steal Laura Palmer’s diary turn into terrifying experiences.

    ● CEEFAX SUBTITLES

    Twin Peaks
    Sat 9th Feb 1991, 22:55 on BBC Two England

    Another opportunity to see last week’s episode starring Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean
    A mission to rescue Audrey and a plan to steal Laura Palmer’s diary turn into terrifying experiences.
    Meanwhile, Ben Home is tempted and Bobby and Shelly get ready for Leo’s homecoming.

    ● CEEFAX SUBTITLES

    Twin Peaks
    Sat 16th Feb 1991, 23:00 on BBC Two England

    Starring Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean
    Homecomings abound as Audrey returns from her ordeal and Leo is guest of honour at a bizarre party. Meanwhile, Cooper’s supervisor arrives with a new, and dangerous, direction for his agent.
    Wntten by Mark Frost
    Director David Lynch

    ● CEEFAX SUBTITLES

    Twin Peaks
    Tue 19th Feb 1991, 21:00 on BBC Two England

    In tonight’s instalment of David Lynch’s cult murder-mystery, the question is answered. Starring Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean

    ● CEEFAX SUBTITLES

    Twin Peaks
    Sun 24th Feb 1991, 00:50 on BBC Two England

    Starring Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean
    As mystic rhymes are recited, as the giant warns that ‘it will happen again’, as Cooper pieces together the fragments of a secret diary, as a cloud of dread hangs over Twin Peaks …the face of Laura Palmer’s killer is revealed.
    Written by Mark Frost
    Director David Lynch

    Twin Peaks
    Tue 19th Mar 1991, 21:00 on BBC Two England

    David Lynch’s offbeat drama about a small American town.
    Starring Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean
    As Twin Peaks celebrates the wedding of the year, Josie is about to discover exactly what widowhood means.

    ● TELETEXT SUBTITLES: page 888

    Twin Peaks
    Tue 26th Mar 1991, 21:00 on BBC Two England

    David Lynch’s offbeat soap-opera continues.
    Starring Kyle MacLachlan Michael Ontkean
    After the wedding of the year, the honeymoon proves to be decidedly fatal and Dick Tremayne begins to fear that time spent in little Nicky’s company may not be life-enhancing either. Cooper, meanwhile, gets into property and James gets deeper into a dangerous fascination.
    ● TELETEXT SUBTITLES: page 888

    Twin Peaks
    Tue 2nd Apr 1991, 21:00 on BBC Two England

    The mystery continues in David Lynch’s offbeat drama. Starring Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean
    As Ben Home fights past battles, Cooper heads for a showdown with Jean Renault, but a far more dangerous adversary moves ever nearer.

    ● TELETEXT SUBTITLES: page 888

    Twin Peaks
    Tue 16th Apr 1991, 21:00 on BBC Two England

    David Lynch’s offbeat drama. Starring Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean
    Actress Diane Keaton directs this episode of the soap noir.
    DRAMA: page 4

    ● TELETEXT SUBTITLES: page 888

    Twin Peaks
    Tue 7th May 1991, 21:00 on BBC Two England

    David Lynch’s offbeat drama. Starring Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean
    Break-ups, marriage proposals and new attractions are the order of the day in Twin Peaks.

    ● TELETEXT SUBTITLES: page 888

    Twin Peaks
    Tue 14th May 1991, 21:00 on BBC Two England

    David Lynch’s offbeat drama about a small American town.
    Starring Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean
    A grieving Truman seeks solace in a bottle.

    ● TELETEXT SUBTITLES: page 888

    Twin Peaks
    Tue 21st May 1991, 21:00 on BBC Two England

    David Lynch’s offbeat drama about a small American town.
    Starring Kyle MacLachlan Michael Ontkean
    While Truman survives a killer’s kiss, mysterious symbols lead Cooper to a cave where the owls may not be what they seem.

    ● TELETEXT SUBTITLES: page 888

    Twin Peaks
    Tue 28th May 1991, 21:00 on BBC Two England

    David Lynch’s offbeat drama. Starring Kyle MacLachlan Michael Ontkean
    Cooper meets Cupid.

    ● TELETEXT SUBTITLES: page 888

    Twin Peaks
    Tue 4th Jun 1991, 21:00 on BBC Two England

    David Lynch’s offbeat drama. Starring Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean
    The puzzle of the Black Lodge seems about to be solved.

    ● TELETEXT SUBTITLES: page 888

    Twin Peaks
    Tue 11th Jun 1991, 21:00 on BBC Two England

    The penultimate episode of David Lynch’s offbeat drama about a small American town.
    Starring Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean
    Cooper and Truman decipher part of the secret of the Black Lodge. But are they too late?

    ● TELETEXT SUBTITLES: page 888

    Twin Peaks
    Tue 18th Jun 1991, 21:00 on BBC Two England

    David Lynch directs the final episode of this offbeat drama.
    Starring Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean

    Dale Cooper must finally confront the evil that lurks in the woods of Twin Peaks.
    (Repeated next Saturday)
    Drama: page 6

    (Teletext subtitles: page 888)

    Twin Peaks
    Sat 22nd Jun 1991, 23:30 on BBC Two England

    Another opportunity to see the final episode of this offbeat soap opera, directed by David Lynch, starring Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Ontkean
    A queen is escorted to an appointment at the end of the world but, in order to play the white knight and rescue her, Agent Dale Cooper must face a final confrontation with the evil that lurks in the woods surrounding Twin Peaks.

    ● TELETEXT SUBTITLES: page 888

    [A couple of other things I might as well mention: the edition of Barry Norman’s Film 92, broadcast on Tuesday 17th November of that year at 17:30 (that’s half five in the evening), has a review of the then-reviled Fire Walk With Me. And at the start of the following year, Blue Velvet finally got its British TV premiere on BBC2 (or BBC Two, as it had offically become by then) on Saturday 9th January 1993, at 23:55.]

    A final curiosity

    While I’ve refrained from giving much commentary on anything this time round, I thought I’d mention this strange little quirk of how the BBC Genome displays its data.

    When the original listings were scanned 12 years ago, there was some sort of post-processing done to each individual programme. The algorithm that they used attempted to pick out any and all names mentioned in the main body text, in an attempt to credit anyone who might not have been listed in the actual credits printed in the original issue.

    This was an interesting idea, and sometimes can be genuinely useful, although it does tend to produce a lot of chaff that I often have to ignore when putting these infodumps together. However, in one of the first “another chance to see” Twin Peaks repeats for Season 1, something unintentionally odd happened.

    In this particular listing, Sheryl Lee’s name wasn’t given, but the character of Laura was mentioned as part of the plot summary. This made sense at the time, as Lee had already been credited in full with the initial Tuesday broadcast along with everyone else, so all they needed to do was to print a slightly cut down version of that first listing.

    But years later, that Genome post-processing lead to the following eerie credit being automatically created. Sitting alongside the names of Lynch himself and Kyle MacLachlan was this:

    • Unknown: Laura Palmer
  • A Look At 1980s British Video Game Adverts (On The Telly)

    A Look At 1980s British Video Game Adverts (On The Telly)

    In the 1980s computers were often referred to as “home computers”. Until then, the very idea of a such a thing would conjure up images of enormous and frightening rooms in “research centres”, filled with blinking lights, spinning tape reels and Joe 90 having his mind erased and then re-programmed with the thoughts of someone who was really good at yachting.

    And on top of that, computers were also called “electric brains”, which had a tendency to blow up if Patrick McGoohan asked them the question “Why?”. (For some reason they never printed out a slip of paper replying “Why not?”, like in a comedy text adventure.) Ultimately, prior to about 1980, the idea of something along those lines in someone’s house was the stuff of madness.

    But this was now the decade of The Microchip Revolution, and of R Tape Loading Errors and Kevin Toms’ cheerful bearded face. Now you could buy your very own computerised electrickery thinking boxes, and if you typed “Why?” into one it would sternly respond with something like “Nonsense in BASIC”. Checkmate, Number Six!

    Anyway, all that shite I just wrote is an intro to an article about ads for computer games on actual British TV, which I did because you have to have an intro.

    First off is K-Tel’s faintly odd attempt at muscling in on the lucrative Spectrum market, and the slightly less lucrative Vic 20 one as well. K-Tel, of course, had a number of fingers in all sorts of pies, usually to do with crap compilation LPs or “labour saving” gadgets that insulted your intelligence simply by existing. K-Tel weren’t adverse to new trends, and one particularly gravy-filled pie they decided to jab a hairy swollen digit into was one with the words “VIDEO GAMES” baked into it, using extra bits of pastry to… make out the letters… or, er, by carving that into the crust or something. (That metaphor sounded better in my head when I started writing it.)

    So, instead of K-Tel advertising 20 Golden Hits Of The Enoch Powell Stranglewank Band Playing The 40 Platinum Smashes Of Lennon & McCartney & Gilbert O’Sullivan, here they’ve got cassettes with actual games on them in actual shops. And game(s) plural is the important bit to note, as each tape has TWO games on one cassette, whereas other tapes would only have one! Hoorah! Which would be good if any of them were actually halfway decent, but this is more The Power House than Ultimate Play The Game.

    Indeed, even the shittest effort from the latter company would likely be more entertaining than the two being flogged here, with the second one appearing to be a not-as-good version of Chris Sievey’s minor classic “The Biz”. I’m not sure if this came first or The Biz did, but either way there’s nary a mention of Whistle Test or Probe Records to be seen. The whole two for one thing wouldn’t really catch on, even if you tried including an actual officially licensed game of The Evil Dead on the B-side.

    The advert itself is a cracker, though – I wish the absurd camp nonsense of it could go on for a few more minutes at least. Extras from a provincial theatre group staging of some sort of 50s jukebox musical are pissing off a Dracula with their wild hip gyrations, which are so gyratory they’re woken both him and Lady Dracula, even though these are their waking hours. (He probably wasn’t too happy with their Sinclair BASIC attempt at drawing him, either.)

    However, Lady Dracula is basically fine with the younger generation, ultimately clicking her fingers to the crazy wild cat rock’n’roll sound of The Big Bopper claiming “I got no money, honey!”, before dying in a massive plane crash. If only Don McLean could have had an Oric in 1959, it might have taken his mind off that whole “would you believe that bloody levy was dry?” business.

    Meanwhile, there’s a classic example of that kind of detached, faintly ironic voiceover used in ostensibly humorous ads back then on British television. If you needed to make some sort of wry comment juxtaposing the product being sold with whatever stuff was being shown on screen, then this is the kind of thing you did.

    So, this time round, the voice of someone who you’d imagine would be otherwise be taking a “side-eye glance” at Ronald Reagan saying “Well” a lot is trying to sell you some Spectrum games – or if wet, games for the Vic 20. And they’re all available at a billion shops you haven’t thought about in years, or are at least now teetering close to bankruptcy. “Twice the fun with two games on one”, as long as you’ve got the 8K RAM expansion.

    Onwards into the beyond. What do we see now? An ominous bleak landscape, John Hurt narrating, it’s the 80s… no, this isn’t how we’re all going to die from shagging; it’s only the bloody Intellivision!

    Hurt, modulating his voice from the more familiar “THERE IS NO KNOWN CURE” doom-tone into a “look how grand and mint and skill this amazing thing is” kind of manner, is extolling the virtues of Mattel’s ill-fated dalliance with early 80s video games.

    If you know your gaming history, you’re aware how this console was wiped out in / partially caused the North American Video Games Crash – which didn’t really concern anybody outside the US or Canada to a large extent. In the UK we all shrugged our collective shoulders, if we noticed it at all, and got a Spectrum or C64 or something instead. And if you were really unlucky, you got a Dragon 32.

    Still, at this point all that’s yet to happen, and Our Lord God John Hurt runs through the amazingness of the console best known these days for that strangled electronic voice saying something about being a “buhhhmerrrr”. (Well, you know what Texans are like.)

    The word Intellivision was meant to denote “intelligent television” – TV you interacted with, rather than everyone’s favourite badly-dressed transphobic educational organisation with a jingle composed of naught but total malevolence. In 1982 it was still remarkable to plug a box into your TV’s ariel socket and make a white rectangle hit a square, so something with actual colours and graphics and text and sounds other than “BIP!” (although they still weren’t a million miles away from that) blew everyone’s minds.

    Once the Temu Milky Bar Kid picks up that weird disc-and-keypad controller (note to imaginary editor: would “the Happy Shopper Milky Bar Kid” make more sense in this context? “The Fine Fare Milky Bar Kid”…?), the almighty power of the machine is revealed through, er, a magic cloud? Oh, no, it’s a future hover-city, my mistake. This advert may have been recorded on Betamax, which was technically superior to VHS and all, but it’s still a bit hard to make out at first.

    And then we get to see an actual game. I’m not going to make fun of the games themselves – within the context of the time, they really were genuinely enjoyable back then, and the best of them are still fun for a quick outing today. You’re not going to get Red Dead Redemption or anything, but they do have their worth.

    I must point out, though, that the description of the ad’s featured game Star Strike -“the ultimate space battle… destroy these aliens” – described 95% of all games at that point. The remaining 5% were either about gorillas kidnapping the girlfriends of Italians (shut it, Manning), or unsettling British whimsy about a man in a hat having to avoid toilets.

    Apparently, you must get an Intellivision because “no one else can take you there” – I assume “there” means playing excellent games and that, and not that time when you asked your dad to take you to London to maybe perhaps possibly buy a NEC PC Engine from an import electronics store in 1989, and him flat out saying “NO”.

    And it was true that no one other than Intellivision could take you “there”… well, apart from the Intellivision’s rival Colecovision, which had the best graphics of that console generation. (And was manufactured by a leather company…?) Even the increasingly creaky Atari 2600 could be relied upon for some decent thrills in 1982-ish, thanks to programmers going above and beyond to squeeze as much as they could out of that disco-era console.

    As with that K-Tel business above, one of the major delights of these sorts of adverts is seeing all the old stores where you could have bought this vision of the future. Here it’s pretty much bloody everywhere, including the famed Bentalls department store.

    Personal reminisce time! I visited the Kingston Upon Thames flagship store many times as a child, though I don’t recall seeing an Intellivision there myself. I think I was too distracted by the giant Playmobil figure they had standing by the toy department entrance. But now in the Hell Year 2025, the only thing like a console you can get in Bentall’s toy place are one of those Amiibo-like figurines that come shaped like Pikachu or Wonder Woman. I’ve nothing against “Wondy” or Pikachu (if I could have a baby, I would want it to be exactly like that adorable electric mouse), but y’know, it’s not the same. Come to think of it, they might have been actual Amiibos. But more unforgivingly, Bentalls has been “re-branded” as “Fenwick’s”. Gah. Personal reminisce time over!

    Still, Mattel would go back into video games once Nintendo had taught Corporate America that it’s not a good idea to run a gaming company like this twat did. After that, the following decades would see a steady flow of games licensed from Mattel for Nintendo, Sega, Sony, and Microsoft. They tended to focus mainly on Barbie, and also Barbie, with some Barbie thrown into the mix, and sometimes Shit Version Of Action Man… but mainly Barbie. Fair enough.

    And finally, a compilation of one of the most legendary crossovers produced by human hand. Forget anything to do with DC or Marvel or anything like that – behold Morecambe And Wise And Atari!

    After you’ve sat through the classically Youtubey thing of the uploader putting an intro at the start that’s a bit too long (first advert starts at 17 seconds in, accurate starting time fans), we get the head-spinning juxtaposition of The Stage newspaper and the concept of music hall with Missile Command and Pac-Man, rammed right next to each other.

    Eric Morecambe cackling while manhandling a joystick (steady now) while in his classic flat cap and mac get-up is worth the price of admission alone… which is, er, free. Or at least the price is sitting through at least two adverts, one of which may be some weird and creepy bit of disinfo from that there “manosphere” they have these days, annoying everyone by screaming at the sight of blue hair dye and going insane in prison.

    Other delights are Eric and Ernie having much the same arguments about playing a game as you did with your friends / cousins / siblings at any time between 1982 and 2000, and Eric doing a classic bit of business by not allowing Ernie to play Yar’s Revenge.

    But rather than me waffling on about it any longer, you’re better off just watching it yourself. The above video is approximately four minutes of pure joy, and has the power to end wars. Have you played Atari today? (Bites tongue to avoid mentioning emulation – oh no what a giveaway…)

  • What Comes After The Little White Dot?: When ITV Stations Die

    What Comes After The Little White Dot?: When ITV Stations Die

    1: Thames Television, 31st December 1992

    32 years and one day ago (at time of writing), I watched Thames TV leave the airwaves, which they did with a real sense of dignity. Much has been written about the Death-On-The-Rock-inflicted injustice of it all, and the resulting crassness and haplessness of British broadcasting from that point on – but let’s not go over all that again. Instead, let’s take a look at some pre-90s moments where various ITV stations bit the big one.

    Before we get to them, though, we’ll take a quick look at Thames TV bowing out with their final programme. Embedded above is their End Of Life Entertainment Scenario curtain-closer, an hour-plus long compilation of their many highlights. This upload is a brand new 50fps rip of it which was put up on YouTube by Sticky tape ‘n’ rust.

    Of special note is the fact that this was recorded in the Central region. Most recordings of Thames’ death come from That London, so it’s interesting to see how this went out somewhere where it was effectively business as usual. I was surprised to see the final ITN news bulletin of 1992 with Dermot Murnaghan actually went on a few minutes beyond midnight, and in the Midlands it wasn’t cut off by some bellowing HEAR YE HEAR YE twat in the pay of Carlton Television.

    Oh look, what’s coming up in 1993? Norman Lamont’s going to do another budget! Yes, that’ll go well, I’m sure. Talk about a red box…


    2: Southern Television, 31st December 1981

    Southern Television was “The Station That Serves The South”, although that tagline maybe should have been “The Station That States The One Thing You Can Guess From The Name”. Like Thames, they went out with a massive compilation show on their final night of broadcasting. Unlike Thames, they were complete dicks about it.

    The management of Southern TV took the loss of their franchise with an unusual amount of ill-grace. They were well aware of the criticisms that they had been neglecting parts of the region they were meant to be covering, with local news and other local programmes often ignoring great big chunks of the area. On top of that, the station was viewed as staid, dull, and complacent.

    But! Rather than properly address these problems, they chose to spend 1980 making a bunch of sitcoms and dramas and things with well-known light entertainment names. They did this rather than improve their regional output, like that one farming show that only lives on as a bit on It’ll Be Alright On The Night… that I can’t find a clip of right now.

    I’LL ADD IT IN THIS SPACE HERE, IF I EVER FIND IT LATER. IT’S THE ONE WITH THE ODD 70s BLOKE TALKING ABOUT “A FIRM LAY” OR SOMETHING

    Anyway, if that was meant to prove to everyone how great they were at telly and that they were really interesting and could sit at the big boy’s table and had their own personal Telebug, it backfired for the clear reason that the whole regional thing was the main problem. Although this behaviour did result in the extraordinary spectacle of their weatherman hosting a variety show.

    That company-ending compilation programme has since become infamous for the footage of Richard Stilgoe singing a dreadful song about how shit TVS (the incoming ITV station starting the following morning, of course) is definitely going to be, somehow made worse by the fact it was most likely written to order by someone who didn’t have any real horse in the race.

    Notably, everyone roars with laughter at it despite that a lot of them would be retaining their jobs under the incoming company anyway.

    It seems there also wasn’t the standard “take out the plug from your creaking old fire hazard of a telly” warning at the end, either; according to all available sources, there was just eerie silence after their jingle got played one final time through a delay effect. Clearly Southern’s directors were so pissy about the whole franchise loss thing that they would have quite happily seen a few of their former viewers burn to death during the night.

    In any event, TVS did quite well getting on the air on their first day, considering that Southern famously refused to let them use the studios they were meant to share for the final year or so, before TVS could get round to completing their purpose-built studios. That’s the the meaning behind the “Portakabin TV” jibe (they were forced to use them during 1981 – apparently having to set them up in Southern’s car park).

    Southern locked them out until the wee hours of 1st January 1982. It was only then that the management left the building, presumably trudging in single file like captured war criminals; ties askew, stinking of whisky, with a signed photo of Stilgoe in one fist and shaking the other at those damned portakabins.

    As a bonus, here’s a continuity announcer’s attempt at making light of the misery surrounding Southern’s final days from a start-up just a few days before. The announcer doesn’t quite make the joke land, unfortunately, so it just ends up seeming more odd than anything. It’s not helped by some other ITV region playing out Stingray a bit too late, and some behind-the-scenes talk leaking through to the audio:

    Blimey, that entry went on a bit, didn’t it? Onward to Westward.


    3: Westward Television, 31st December 1981

    From the same time as the above entry, but entirely the opposite in tone – despite some major wrangling the previous year.

    After losing the franchise, Westward TV’s management basically underwent some sort of massive existential crisis, with boardroom battles threatening to render the entire company asunder before they’d had a chance to actually complete their final year.

    And so, the IBA – imagine Ofcom, but made up of people who gave a shit – took the unusual step to take away the franchise early, and forced the sale of all of Westward’s facilities to the incoming station Television South West in the middle of 1981.

    This meant that TSW technically started running things about six months early with full legal approval, while maintaining the old on-air “branding”, as I wish people wouldn’t call it. All the staff stayed on too. This means that the eventual changeover was the most cheerful example of a station closing down that you could possibly find.

    Things were a bit less successful with the notorious official opening show the following day, which is full-on Partridge, and features the above announcer (Roger Shaw) doing some astonishing dance moves toward the end.


    4: Rediffusion London, 29th July 1968

    An ITV company who bowed out so early on, it was when they were put to sleep in the summer. This is the earliest example of an ITV station going off air forever, except for another notable example coming up later, and another even more notable example related to the latter which I’m not covering because there’s zero footage of it. With this one, we only have the audio. So here it is, courtesy of Transdiffusion on Soundcloud.

    Unlike the previous entries, I’ve not got much to say about this one, except that I love how oddly low-key and sweet this is, although “Laurie” the weatherman is a bit shouty. I also like how they let the “new boy” have the last word, as part of the closing “your telly might catch fire” announcement.

    Incidentally, Laurie did give a complete forecast, which has been edited out here. He didn’t just go “YOU’VE GOT MY STATEMENT ON THE WEATHER” or whatever it was, like he was being pestered by a reporter from the Daily Met Office over a “backhanders for sunny days” scandal.

    Incidentally, I was going to pad this entry out a bit by including a scan of Rediffusion’s final schedule from the Daily Express. I won’t be doing that, as one of their last programmes – shown at 11pm that night, and highlighted in the listings available to me – was a documentary made by Rediffusion that just has a slur for a title. To be precise: a single word slur, with a question mark after it, and nothing else. An ableist one. For fuck’s sake, 1968. Maybe that was why Laurie was so upset.

    (Please direct any postcards with the word “SNOWFLAKE” scrawled across them in green ink to the following address: Your Mum’s Big Arse, Your Mum, The Toilets In Victoria Station, London.)


    5: Confusing Welsh double-closedown pissabout, March – July 1968

    Alright, so – first of all there was a company called TWW, who were the main Welsh ITV company, and then the only one. They lost their license in 1967, and following a brief legal battle and some very bad financial advice from the TV regulator of the day, decided to end it all early and let the incoming station, Harlech (later better known as HTV) to take over ahead of schedule.

    Of course, nothing was allowed to go smoothly in the long gone world of regional ITV, and due to various complications that final three month period ended up as a prolonged bout of confusion for the viewers at home.

    TWW bowed out in March, with an early example of the doomed ITV region big blow out party / last supper sub-genre. They broadcast a live variety show titled “All Good Things…”, followed by a brief pre-filmed epilogue straight after that called “…Come To An End”. The latter was presented by John Betjeman, where he said this:

    The new firm, Harlech, which will be centred in Cardiff, must build up its own personality. Tellywelly [Betjeman‘s nickname for TWW], you had a warm, friendly and inspiring one. Like many others, I’m very grateful to you. I’m sorry to see you go. It’s like the death of an old friend.

    The Wikipedia entry for TWW continues: “As Betjeman walked out of the theatre and the credits rolled, the camera tilted up to the “EXIT” sign on the wall, and TWW ended its transmission for the last time.” Aw.

    The above is home movie footage filmed directly off a TV at the same time as the only broadcast of TWW’s end, and is the only footage of it remaining. The “ooh, a flashback!” wobbling effect is due to the difference in the movie camera’s shutter and the rate which the old TV’s display was being updated.

    However, this melancholy and dignified conclusion was then complicated by a bizarre interim service, which featured an unsettlingly abstract ident with a weird electronic jingle. This was a 1960s liminal shopping mall of an ITV region, calling itself “Independent Television Service For Wales And The West”, like a Dalek was responsible.

    This is a re-creation of what’s mentioned above…
    …and this is the original unedited audio, over a “telesnap” – photographed off the television as the above was being transmitted, like the home movie footage seen earlier.

    This service also used all of TWW’s old announcers and showed the final TWW productions that hadn’t been broadcast yet. For your average 60s TV viewer who were even less media-literate than the average type today, this would have been headswimmingly odd.

    And eventually one night they just stopped dead, with not a single mention of a portakabin or “Maurice Jones, Town Crier, Streets Of London” anywhere. Back into the backrooms they went.

    And so Harlech started properly, and got things back on the straight and narrow again with the aid of an unsettlingly abstract ident with a weird electronic jingle.

    (Alright, so the jingle was actually pretty tuneful, and continued to be used well into the 80s after being edited down a tad. But the ident has come in for a lot of bashing over the years, particularly from the late Victor Lewis-Smith. Personally I sort of like it, although I get the complaints, and it would have looked horrible on newer colour sets of the time. Apparently it looked better on older lower resolution B&W tellies. You could say that it’s the late 60s prototypical version of 1980s video games using violent strobing to indicate pain.)

    But after that, they really did get back on the straight and narrow, really properly proper this time, with a major incident of network-wide industrial action.

    Photo from transdiffusion.org – another “telesnap” from their site.

    D’oh!

    The third and final article covering the 1979 ITV strike is coming soon. Peter Bradshaw is not ill, but is taking refuge up a bell tower.